A Day in A LIFE

Forsaken

I dwell amongst demons and shadows

Far from you, my prophet and sage

Because of your love I have walked on water

Though refused to drink of it

For you I have travelled to the depths of hell

When in your kiss I tasted the glory of heaven

In this haunting abyss

The voice of condition is a persistent reminder

Of what I have forsaken,

And in the profound waters that surround my being,

I am missing among the dead

No salvation or escape from this doom

And as a flower during a thunderstorm,

I struggle to keep my poise

Punisher and savior

Your love is like torrential rain,

Sustaining me and yet death looms in your downpour

Our unspoken agreement reason for my drought

You were once my guide and yet with you I am lost,

I have sacrificed our love to give you wings

And with those, I watch you fly away from where I am traveling

You were once my dream-like reality

But for your existence, I must remain in this nightmare  

I have granted my soul to the bleakness of my doubts

And today my destiny is to wander in limbo

Now a wall exists between two cosmos that once were one

And as musical notes echo in the background,

I contemplate what paths you roam without me

Forced to let go of our love,

My spirit endures, while my mortal breath departs,

Tears fall upon eternity, one without your love

I still sense your timeless presence within

As your undying light illuminates the dark sea I often part

As time stands still as if waiting,

Anticipating our unattainable reunion

Hopeless I face this damned, empty existence

As I can only be whole in you as you are boundless in me

And my only treasure is a glimpse,
A memory of a fate now out of reach

And as I took I must give

Trusting the Universe has its reasons for my sorrow

Eternally yours, though I no longer belong anywhere

As you knew me once without knowing my name

In that bitter-sweet, serendipitous encounter

For love has ordained us no tomorrows

Forevermore I face this hollow eternity

One without you

My once perpetual mystery,

My proverbial love,

My one still relentless uncertainty

As I navigate without a compass toward the infinite horizon,

I float above an ocean of our renounced love

Chaos, gloom and regret are my only passengers

But as I surrender to my fears, I become weightless

And as I let go of my inner torment, I sense your presence once again

Only then do I recognize you, my warrior of light,

Your devotion unlocks the gate I have yearned to enter all my life

No longer condemned, I move peacefully towards your song

And as your drops fall diligently on me,

I find shelter in the gentleness of your rain,

My supple roots at last rejoice,

And forevermore I stand in awe of the shear vastness of your storm.

You Don't Have to Look Very Far...

These are the things I have encountered on my morning walks in El Segundo.

I just shot everyday things that I usually pass by without taking much notice. 

I guess what they say is right...

You don't have to look very far to find your treasure.

Sometimes it is in those simple, routine objects and sites where true beauty lies. 

And to top it off, Sofia got a lollipop at the market! Her first and last for a while! 

But she did enjoy it, obviously!!

By the way, the last two shots...I don't know... I am not a smoker...but that cigarette box left behind on a ledge, was sort of appealing to photograph! 

In this World we Live and Play

 

The Real Heroes

So, Sofia has been really sick with the flu for the past week. It started out with a nasty nighttime cough and it progressed to a full-on cold; accompanied by fever, vomiting and a stuffy nose. Well, to say that no one at my house has gotten any sleep, is the least of it. For the past few days, I have been sleep deprived, cranky, and now with the flu myself.

Not that I am looking for pity, but during the past few days, I have come to certain conclusions. Parenthood is nothing like you’d imagine, definitely nothing like I’d imagine. And for those out there with or without kids, I am speaking from the heart, from my personal journey as a mother. I may be wrong, I may be too harsh in my views, but this is my truth; one I feel compelled to share, even if it may be momentary, or hard to describe.

As if it’s not common knowledge already, once you have children, you are forced to put everything on the scale, everything!! You suddenly have to reconsider every decision, weigh every option, evaluate your moral codes, all because you are no longer a single, standing entity. Now another life or lives have come to depend on yours, for everything, from feeding, to bathing, to educating, to making healthy and wise choices in every matter possible. Talk about pressure! Talk about responsibility! Nothing I can think of in my life comes even close to it.

Hollywood makes being a parent seem so effortless, a constant stream of joyful and non-stop happy moments, filled only with pure love and affection…A lot of the movies, TV shows and seasoned parents make it seem as if you will never feel alone again, as if you can have it all under control, ALL THE TIME! And as if suddenly your life has an ultimate purpose and relentless motivation every second of the day…

Well, let me just say this, being a parent is so much more than that…But no one seems to talk about it…I must say it is a tough subject to discuss. WE all want to seem in control, figured out, not many want to admit their failures and hardships…I understand. I mean, just writing this down is difficult. Like I am supposed to know what to do all the time as a mom…like I am supposed to have all the answers…

But what I know to be true is that most of the time it is about learning to let go…learning to give up a part of yourself that is constantly looking for clarification, perfection, for things to make sense. It can be extremely difficult to snap out of your own head and focus completely and utterly into another being…no matter how much you love that person, parenthood is not a given…it is not always instinctual. It takes work and successes and failures, laughter and tears…all of it!

Sometimes you have to fight with everything you’ve got to make it through the day, to not walk away from the messy house, the screaming children, from the sick baby, from the teen angst and anger targeted towards you for whatever reason, real or not…

I see the effort my mom has and still makes on a daily basis to ensure that my brother and I, two adults, can have everything we need…And I see that the job of a parent never ends, it is not until the kids move out, or once they get married, or even have children of their own…It is a commitment you make and stick with forever.

This morning I felt so exhausted after a whole day with my little one crying, vomiting and having diarrhea…Nothing else could receive my attention, my care, my energy…and I realized something. The heck with politicians, CEOs and high-profile celebrities, the real heroes are also behind parents who deal with all the unglamorous, non-publicized, unrewarded and incredibly difficult job of being a parent.

I used to be so critical of parents before I had my own, judging them left and right for their choices, but after almost ten years as a mother, I have to admit that all my criticism has almost completely vanished.

For so long my main goal in life was to find what I was good at, what I did well, what I had a talent or a knack for so that I could transform that into a career, which would allow me to gain freedom, financial and otherwise. I struggled to see that through, always the weigh of having to choose between success in the business world, monetary stability and my role as a present mother. I have been lucky to have had the choice as I know many parents who have no alternative but to work full-time in order to maintain a household and to still have energy leftover to be a loving parent.

I would be lying if I said that at times I am not resentful for having to choose. For having to neither be here nor there…such a fine balance is required, I tend to think; it seems almost impossible, an illusive notion…As most parents I know battle with this issue constantly as I have and still do. I mean, when you are working, you are thinking about how you are not available for your kids and when at home, you struggle to leave your work behind.

Now I know that my most important job is the one no one will ever praise me for, the one I will never receive a dime for doing, the one that won’t get me promoted or buy me that big house or the shiny car. The same job millions of parents out there in the world do quietly day in and day out,  giving up their own needs and wants for the health and happiness of their children.

And for that, I want to extend my gratitude to all the present and committed parents out there including my own…You are the REAL HEROES, never forget it because I am sure your kids won’t either….At least I hope not!!